Lachlan, despite coming from good stock and being named after the more talented but less famous Daddo brother, was a feeble minded young man of unfortunate appearance. Fortunately, he did have two redeeming qualities, he was as strong as
a vegetarian’s fart an ox, and he had an insatiable desire to be able to read and write just like normal folks (or failing that, hopefully as good as his younger sisters).
And so it was that some time ago, in a state of high anxiety, his mother contactrd me in the hopes of getting me to perform one of my well known tutoring miracles. She pleaded with me to transform Lachie from the giggling, cartoon watching, illiterate lump of teenage odour that stood before me, into a well versed young man.
I’d be lying if I said it was easy, but after a gruelling week of visual aids (including some of Lachie’s favourite action figures), long discussions on the origins and usage of the language, the dull witted lad was almost able to differentiate between a verb and a noun. We spent the following week working on adverbs and adjectives but ultimately had to abandon our efforts as he just couldn’t grasp the concept. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the kid was as dumb as dirt!
Finally after weeks of blood, sweat and tears (mostly mine), we made a monumental breakthrough! Lachie had reached his literary apex. He produced not one, not two, but three consecutive sentences!! Even though there was no evidence of tense, person nor polysyllables, I still managed to determine that they constituted a paragraph; with that I declared my involvement with the project at an end.
Lachie, cognizant of my significant sacrifices over the past few weeks, wanted to give me a token of his appreciation, but instead he bought me this…
Thanks Lachie, I love it!